Dear RND:
I have been divorced for almost 6 years. About 2 years ago, I began dating this most wonderful man and we have been living together for the last year. I want to get married because I need that level of commitment in my life. He says that he is very committed to me, and he does not think a ring and a wedding will make him more committed than he already is. We are now at a standstill. Should I drop it?
R: Dropping it will not resolve anything, but it can give you a break to explore it more deeply. It would help to get at the heart of what you both really want and need from your relationship and how you define commitment. Yet it's always best to explore your feelings alone at first.
Sometimes we don't even know why we want what we want. We sometimes want it more just because we're reacting to the other person's "no". So what about being married is important to you? What will it give you? What will it bring to your relationship that you are not already getting from it? And are you really happy in your relationship? Some people push marriage to feel more secure in their relationship. Truth is many people get married, but never truly commit. Either the relationship is strong or it's not. A piece of paper won't change or fix anything.
If after one year he moved in with you, I gather he can make a commitment. So after you create some real awareness around your feelings about him and marriage, only then would I approach him again. Ask him about his feelings about marriage and about you. Ask him what he envisions in your future. What does he need in this relationship to be happy? Is he just not ready for this step or does he not want to be married at all and why? If you make it about trying to understand him and what he wants instead of making it about demands, then you will eventually get a deeper sense of his commitment to you. He might still not want to be married, but then you can decide your next step. It might come down to deciding if you value marriage more than you value him.
D: If you are happy with dropping it, then let it go. However, if a ring and marriage is what you really want, make your voice be heard and then take action. Meaning, tell him you want to be married and if he is happy the way things are and won't meet your needs, then move out. He then has the choice to how "committed" he wants to be to you. He will either let you go or come after you. However, if he chooses not to go shopping for that perfect 1.5 carat, F/VVS1, classic round brilliant set in platinum ring, then you must let him go. This may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it is better to know sooner than later (after a possible 2nd marriage) what his commitment level really is.
I have been divorced for almost 6 years. About 2 years ago, I began dating this most wonderful man and we have been living together for the last year. I want to get married because I need that level of commitment in my life. He says that he is very committed to me, and he does not think a ring and a wedding will make him more committed than he already is. We are now at a standstill. Should I drop it?
R: Dropping it will not resolve anything, but it can give you a break to explore it more deeply. It would help to get at the heart of what you both really want and need from your relationship and how you define commitment. Yet it's always best to explore your feelings alone at first.
Sometimes we don't even know why we want what we want. We sometimes want it more just because we're reacting to the other person's "no". So what about being married is important to you? What will it give you? What will it bring to your relationship that you are not already getting from it? And are you really happy in your relationship? Some people push marriage to feel more secure in their relationship. Truth is many people get married, but never truly commit. Either the relationship is strong or it's not. A piece of paper won't change or fix anything.
If after one year he moved in with you, I gather he can make a commitment. So after you create some real awareness around your feelings about him and marriage, only then would I approach him again. Ask him about his feelings about marriage and about you. Ask him what he envisions in your future. What does he need in this relationship to be happy? Is he just not ready for this step or does he not want to be married at all and why? If you make it about trying to understand him and what he wants instead of making it about demands, then you will eventually get a deeper sense of his commitment to you. He might still not want to be married, but then you can decide your next step. It might come down to deciding if you value marriage more than you value him.
D: If you are happy with dropping it, then let it go. However, if a ring and marriage is what you really want, make your voice be heard and then take action. Meaning, tell him you want to be married and if he is happy the way things are and won't meet your needs, then move out. He then has the choice to how "committed" he wants to be to you. He will either let you go or come after you. However, if he chooses not to go shopping for that perfect 1.5 carat, F/VVS1, classic round brilliant set in platinum ring, then you must let him go. This may be the hardest thing you have ever done, but it is better to know sooner than later (after a possible 2nd marriage) what his commitment level really is.