RND: I love my mom to see her grand kids but it seems like every time we get together, we fight. Last weekend I was talking about all the running around we had to do with my 3 children and her response was "I remember taking you to pools when you were in 3rd grade and you never thanked me for that." This turned into a ridiculous fight where I know I became defensive, which is not my usual nature, and tried to explain I was a kid and didn't know any better. Why can't she just accept that I turned out to be this wonderful adult and cherish that? She never seems to want to get to know me or accept me now. How can anything ever change?
Rose: Do you really want it to change? You have the power to change it. You're right that it's about acceptance. Eckhart Tolle says "The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is." It's about acceptance and listening for what the other person needs. Mother/daughter relationships are always tough. Until one person is ready to forgive and move on from the past, the other one certainly can't. Are you seeing her for who she is now and appreciating the positive in her? Ask yourself these questions...Is your goal to have a good relationship, or to be right? What do you need to have a better relationship?
For example, another response to your mom could have been, "really, I never thanked you mom? I guess I was just a kid and didn't get it. Thanks mom, that was so great you did that, I get how tough that must have been, sorry I never said anything, I really appreciated that!" Your mom was telling you what she needs, and you were too resentful to give it to her. It isn't about your mom; it's about how you are choosing to live your life, in appreciation, love and happiness, or in constant anger and resentment. When we do better, so do others.
D: It is hard to continually be on the defensive, especially when that is not who you are. I say, first give yourself a break. Limit the time you spend with your Mom. It's not good for you, for her or for your kids to have to listen to that. If it's possible, can she come pick the kids up or can you drop the kids off to allow that special one-on-one time? If not, next time the comments come, and there will be a next time, try this - just look at her and say nothing back. This will be very difficult, but you should not feel guilty for things that you did that were normal kid stuff, and there won't be an argument if you don't answer back. It will be your Mom standing there ranting at you, and remember when you answer back and become defensive, it just perpetuates the situation. When she is done speaking, calmly and sincerely, tell her how much you appreciate her, and then let her know - end of story...let's move on...we are here to have quality time with the children. I don't think this will be the last time she makes comments, however, if you continue the next few times with this response, she should begin to lay-off. Your Mom won't be getting the reaction that she feeds off of when you argue back.
Rose: Do you really want it to change? You have the power to change it. You're right that it's about acceptance. Eckhart Tolle says "The pain that you create now is always some form of non-acceptance, some form of unconscious resistance to what is." It's about acceptance and listening for what the other person needs. Mother/daughter relationships are always tough. Until one person is ready to forgive and move on from the past, the other one certainly can't. Are you seeing her for who she is now and appreciating the positive in her? Ask yourself these questions...Is your goal to have a good relationship, or to be right? What do you need to have a better relationship?
For example, another response to your mom could have been, "really, I never thanked you mom? I guess I was just a kid and didn't get it. Thanks mom, that was so great you did that, I get how tough that must have been, sorry I never said anything, I really appreciated that!" Your mom was telling you what she needs, and you were too resentful to give it to her. It isn't about your mom; it's about how you are choosing to live your life, in appreciation, love and happiness, or in constant anger and resentment. When we do better, so do others.
D: It is hard to continually be on the defensive, especially when that is not who you are. I say, first give yourself a break. Limit the time you spend with your Mom. It's not good for you, for her or for your kids to have to listen to that. If it's possible, can she come pick the kids up or can you drop the kids off to allow that special one-on-one time? If not, next time the comments come, and there will be a next time, try this - just look at her and say nothing back. This will be very difficult, but you should not feel guilty for things that you did that were normal kid stuff, and there won't be an argument if you don't answer back. It will be your Mom standing there ranting at you, and remember when you answer back and become defensive, it just perpetuates the situation. When she is done speaking, calmly and sincerely, tell her how much you appreciate her, and then let her know - end of story...let's move on...we are here to have quality time with the children. I don't think this will be the last time she makes comments, however, if you continue the next few times with this response, she should begin to lay-off. Your Mom won't be getting the reaction that she feeds off of when you argue back.