RND - I've recently separated from my husband, and I thought we were just taking a break from our marriage. We've struggled for some years but have 3 children together so I think it's important that we put effort into working through it. I just found out that he went out with another woman. I think they even slept together. I feel completely betrayed and accused him of cheating but he said he didn't cheat because we are separated. I think he's wrong but one of my friends agrees with him. Now along with all of our other problems, I no longer trust him. Am I wrong to feel this way?
Rose: The way you feel can't be wrong, it's how you feel. Yet it's always good to go deeper to understand where it comes from and what needs aren't getting met, so we can resolve it. One of the biggest problems in relationships is the inability to express our needs and wants. Your intention was to just take a break from the marriage. What was his intention? What did you both want from this break? Did you discuss it? Maybe for him exploring dating others IS a break from your marriage. Maybe he needed to blow off steam. So if not dating others was just an assumption on your part, to be fair to him, it doesn't sound like you defined those boundaries in advance. That being said....I'm not sure how dating other people will help your marriage or bring you closer unless they are really BAD dates. Let's be real. Staying together sounds like it was your goal, not his. Counseling is the next step towards saving a marriage, not separation. Separation is usually the next step before divorce. And justifying dating others doesn't change the fact that doing so is a sign of moving on. You can't work on a marriage alone. So instead of arguing with him and friends on whether or not he cheated, focus on what you want. It's YOUR job to get your needs met. The purpose of a relationship is to connect, to love and to experience joy together. If that hasn't been happening, then you need to take an honest look at your relationship and maybe it's time you went on a date as well.
D: You ask is it "wrong to feel this way?" No. You can feel however you want, and your husband can feel however he wants. I think you are really wanting to know if we think it is ok that he went out with another woman, and even possibly slept with her, during your recent separation. That depends. You don't say, but when you discussed your separation with your husband, did you discuss parameters of the separation? For example, did you talk about whether or not you would recommend seeing other people? What are the goals of your separation? Will the both of you be true to assessing your behaviors and deciding if you want to change or not? Or how long will the separation last before you make a decision to dive in with both feet and give it another go or to get a divorce? If you had discussed seeing other people, and you both agreed not to, then I would re-evaluate what you want out of this marriage, and if your husband can truly be trustworthy. If you had not discussed it, and you thought it was just a given not to see other people, well, I don't think that is fair to assume that. He may feel that separation is a free ticket to explore other avenues, while you feel it may be a time for self-reflection. The thing here is clear communication on what you think the "guidelines" of your separation should be and what he sees them as. Like I said, if you had a very clear conversation and came to the agreement that separation does not mean dating and/or sleeping with others, and he still went out and did this, this may be an indicator why it's a good reason that you are separated - he not only was with another, but he was not true to his word.
Rose: The way you feel can't be wrong, it's how you feel. Yet it's always good to go deeper to understand where it comes from and what needs aren't getting met, so we can resolve it. One of the biggest problems in relationships is the inability to express our needs and wants. Your intention was to just take a break from the marriage. What was his intention? What did you both want from this break? Did you discuss it? Maybe for him exploring dating others IS a break from your marriage. Maybe he needed to blow off steam. So if not dating others was just an assumption on your part, to be fair to him, it doesn't sound like you defined those boundaries in advance. That being said....I'm not sure how dating other people will help your marriage or bring you closer unless they are really BAD dates. Let's be real. Staying together sounds like it was your goal, not his. Counseling is the next step towards saving a marriage, not separation. Separation is usually the next step before divorce. And justifying dating others doesn't change the fact that doing so is a sign of moving on. You can't work on a marriage alone. So instead of arguing with him and friends on whether or not he cheated, focus on what you want. It's YOUR job to get your needs met. The purpose of a relationship is to connect, to love and to experience joy together. If that hasn't been happening, then you need to take an honest look at your relationship and maybe it's time you went on a date as well.
D: You ask is it "wrong to feel this way?" No. You can feel however you want, and your husband can feel however he wants. I think you are really wanting to know if we think it is ok that he went out with another woman, and even possibly slept with her, during your recent separation. That depends. You don't say, but when you discussed your separation with your husband, did you discuss parameters of the separation? For example, did you talk about whether or not you would recommend seeing other people? What are the goals of your separation? Will the both of you be true to assessing your behaviors and deciding if you want to change or not? Or how long will the separation last before you make a decision to dive in with both feet and give it another go or to get a divorce? If you had discussed seeing other people, and you both agreed not to, then I would re-evaluate what you want out of this marriage, and if your husband can truly be trustworthy. If you had not discussed it, and you thought it was just a given not to see other people, well, I don't think that is fair to assume that. He may feel that separation is a free ticket to explore other avenues, while you feel it may be a time for self-reflection. The thing here is clear communication on what you think the "guidelines" of your separation should be and what he sees them as. Like I said, if you had a very clear conversation and came to the agreement that separation does not mean dating and/or sleeping with others, and he still went out and did this, this may be an indicator why it's a good reason that you are separated - he not only was with another, but he was not true to his word.