Dear RND: My husband's job is very stressful. I have a stressful job too. Mine is taking care of two toddlers all day. My husband seems to snap at all of us when he gets home. We've talked about it and he's pretty apologetic but he say's he's having a hard time coming home and unwinding with the noise and attention 2 boys require. Any suggestions?
R: Well first I want to commend you both for the ability to talk openly. Also it's wonderful that he takes accountability for his feelings and actions instead of just blaming you or the kids for creating more stress in his life. There's so much guilt around trying to be the "perfect" parent or spouse and we're all just doing our best.
Most of us create these lives that probably worked for awhile but then life changes. We need to constantly assess and restructure our lives. Living in a society that promotes a lifestyle of being constantly overworked, over stimulated and overwhelmed doesn't help support us either. I suggest you both need to look at the real issue; STRESS. Stress is an indicator that change needs to occur. What's giving you the most stress? Not just at night but also during the day? What helps you both relax? How can you bring more fun into your lives? Do either of you work out? Mom, are you treating yourself when the kids are napping or are you cleaning the house and making dinner? Do you hire babysitters or have relatives or friends help out? Is your husband skipping every lunch hour when he could be taking a break? If his job is that stressful, then he needs to ask himself why. Are there ways to relieve some stress at work? If not, is this really the job for him?
It IS normal to experience times of stress as a parent or periodically in your career but if this is an every day occurrence, then you need to take a look at the bigger picture of your choices. What habits can you both change or delegate? Life is too short to be going at full speed and not enjoying it. Your toddlers will only be at that age once. Toddlers are not just about noise and attention. I loved looking at the world from my toddler's eyes. Everything was so new and exciting for them. So how can you appreciate your time with them and experience joy instead of exhaustion? Create a plan for a new life together that includes a list of priorities of what you all need to be happy. It's easier than you think. Structure your life to fit you both instead of trying to fit into a life that isn't working.
D: What did he think when you both decided to raise a family? Kids, especially toddlers, are loud, active and require a lot of attention. I thought house plants were a lot of work! Seriously, it sounds like you both are going down a path that will not be good for you, him or your two boys. Time to change paths. You have talked about it, and you say your husband is apologetic, but unless actions change, the stress will continue. So, you ask for suggestions - When your husband comes home from work, can he have a little decompression time? How about 30 minutes to unwind after a busy work day. He can spend it just watching television, going for a walk, reading, working out - whatever. The boys should be taught that although they can say hello to Daddy, he needs to have a "time out" or whatever phrase you use in your house for taking a break. And I bet that eventually the 30 minutes will become less and he will spend more time with you and the kids. If he knows that he has that time coming at the end of each day, he may just begin to need it less and less. Then maybe one of his jobs could be to give the baths every night and that can be your 30 minutes. What I am saying is to take a look at the nightly rituals and break it down so your husband has some quiet time, you have some quite time, the kids have family time and then you need time for you and your husband. The amount of time spent on each could be 15 -30 minutes. Try that. There will be a transition time, as there is with any change, but it will hopefully send you both down the path of a happy family!
R: Well first I want to commend you both for the ability to talk openly. Also it's wonderful that he takes accountability for his feelings and actions instead of just blaming you or the kids for creating more stress in his life. There's so much guilt around trying to be the "perfect" parent or spouse and we're all just doing our best.
Most of us create these lives that probably worked for awhile but then life changes. We need to constantly assess and restructure our lives. Living in a society that promotes a lifestyle of being constantly overworked, over stimulated and overwhelmed doesn't help support us either. I suggest you both need to look at the real issue; STRESS. Stress is an indicator that change needs to occur. What's giving you the most stress? Not just at night but also during the day? What helps you both relax? How can you bring more fun into your lives? Do either of you work out? Mom, are you treating yourself when the kids are napping or are you cleaning the house and making dinner? Do you hire babysitters or have relatives or friends help out? Is your husband skipping every lunch hour when he could be taking a break? If his job is that stressful, then he needs to ask himself why. Are there ways to relieve some stress at work? If not, is this really the job for him?
It IS normal to experience times of stress as a parent or periodically in your career but if this is an every day occurrence, then you need to take a look at the bigger picture of your choices. What habits can you both change or delegate? Life is too short to be going at full speed and not enjoying it. Your toddlers will only be at that age once. Toddlers are not just about noise and attention. I loved looking at the world from my toddler's eyes. Everything was so new and exciting for them. So how can you appreciate your time with them and experience joy instead of exhaustion? Create a plan for a new life together that includes a list of priorities of what you all need to be happy. It's easier than you think. Structure your life to fit you both instead of trying to fit into a life that isn't working.
D: What did he think when you both decided to raise a family? Kids, especially toddlers, are loud, active and require a lot of attention. I thought house plants were a lot of work! Seriously, it sounds like you both are going down a path that will not be good for you, him or your two boys. Time to change paths. You have talked about it, and you say your husband is apologetic, but unless actions change, the stress will continue. So, you ask for suggestions - When your husband comes home from work, can he have a little decompression time? How about 30 minutes to unwind after a busy work day. He can spend it just watching television, going for a walk, reading, working out - whatever. The boys should be taught that although they can say hello to Daddy, he needs to have a "time out" or whatever phrase you use in your house for taking a break. And I bet that eventually the 30 minutes will become less and he will spend more time with you and the kids. If he knows that he has that time coming at the end of each day, he may just begin to need it less and less. Then maybe one of his jobs could be to give the baths every night and that can be your 30 minutes. What I am saying is to take a look at the nightly rituals and break it down so your husband has some quiet time, you have some quite time, the kids have family time and then you need time for you and your husband. The amount of time spent on each could be 15 -30 minutes. Try that. There will be a transition time, as there is with any change, but it will hopefully send you both down the path of a happy family!