Dear RND: I have a co-worker who manages a separate department from me. In meetings she is respectful and even projects a great "can do" attitude as a team player. However, if ever we don't agree and especially if our Vice President makes a decision siding with my opinion, like clockwork she will take a small issue in our department and generate a very dramatic and negative email lashing out at me and my staff. These are never productive and at times undermines my authority since I have little control. She is not my subordinate, so I can't write her up for her behavior. To make matters worse, everyone, including our V.P. has witnessed her "tantrums". Apparently she generates enough money for the company that they aren't enough of an issue so they continue to ignore complaints about her. When I confront her directly, she is very sweet and respectful and plays dumb. She is highly intelligent and has valuable ideas but the other side of her is immature and manipulative. I realize I can't change her. How do I motivate my employees to be professional and respectful when clearly there's a double standard in our company's culture?

R: Unfortunately, that is the reality of life. There are many double standards in our society. Many people get away with things regardless of all the rules and laws in place. If you see someone steal something, run and get away, does that make you want to steal? You are either a person who steals, or you're not. That shouldn't influence your staff. Just motivate your staff like you would normally, despite her issues. Honestly, I've never worked at a company that didn't have "difficult" personalities in it. It's human nature. So start with honesty and awareness. Don't pretend you don't disapprove of her behavior but she shouldn't be the focus of your department. Ask your staff what kind of work environment they want. Ask them how they want to treat each other. Ask them what would motivate them. It's about the kind of people they want to be and the culture they want to create. I prefer peace and joy in my life, so I try and structure my life so that I live that way. It doesn't always happen, but that's my goal. If I react every time someone offends me, I'm going to walk around being a very bitter and angry person. That's not going to keep me joyful and peaceful, is it?

Speaker and writer Wayne Dyer says "You can spend a great deal of time and energy finding opportunities to be offended. Become a person who refuses to be offended by any one, any thing, or any set of circumstances. If something takes place and you disapprove, by all means state what you feel from your heart; and IF possible, work to eliminate it and then let it go. If you have enough faith in your own beliefs, you'll find that it's impossible to be offended by the beliefs and conduct of others."

Feel badly for her that she has no control over her emotions. And pick your battles. At times you can respond with a stern non-dramatic response about what you feel is unprofessional behavior. At other times, you can choose to just let it go and ignore it. Either way, make your department a model for the company and who knows what can happen.

D: Here's the deal - It sounds like "management" will never do anything to make the working environment better for the masses, because the income your co-worker generates is more important than a team that can successfully work together. Shame on your leaders for not realizing that they could be increasing revenues even more, if they had corporate culture that was built on trust in addition to open and respected lines of communication. So, in this environment, how do you motivate your staff to continue to be professional (that is, if you all really want to stay at this company), first, lead by example! This may be your biggest challenge, however, be transparent with them about what is going on, but still be genuinely optimistic. Also, ask them for their opinions. It makes them feel like they are part of the solution (because they are) and that their voices actually do matter. They may have suggestions or view points that you have not thought of. Make things fun in your department and create some good bonding opportunities. Have a contest, or organize a pot luck. Or pick a night where you could all volunteer somewhere together. There are many different approaches, but whatever you choose, you are the leader, and you must be genuine in your efforts. Good luck! Add a comment

Dear RND: My husband and I live in a nice neighborhood. All the neighbors get along, and we sometimes even have bar-b-ques and such together. We were the newest to the neighborhood, living here about 4 years, while most others on the street have been here for 10, 15 years and more. Our problem is that about a year and a half ago we have had new neighbors move in right next door. At first it was great. They would come over and ask to borrow things (lawn mower, grill, tools, etc.), and we welcomed our new neighbors and were so happy that they felt comfortable enough with us to ask for help. Well, they still have many of our tools and our grill was never returned, which they say was a "gift" from us. This is just crazy, so we stopped lending them anything, and now they are talking to the other neighbors about how bad we are and how we are asking for our gifted grill back. Our houses are so close together, so this gossip has spread fast, and now we feel that our once friendly neighbors are not so nice. We don't want to move, but what do you think we should do?

R: Well you're clear on that you don't want to move, but I'm not clear as to what you want. Do you want your grill and tools returned? You can certainly take them to small claims court. Do you want the gossip to stop or your neighbors to be nice? You can't change other people, but you can certainly attempt to communicate this misunderstanding with them again, but it doesn't sound like there was a miscommunication, just some neighbors who took advantage of your generosity. All in all, it's always best to be the bigger person since in the end, you have to live with yourself and your actions. You can do this without allowing others to take advantage of you. You can let them know your disappointment with their actions. Take further action, communicate the truth or just allow the truth and this life lesson to emerge naturally. Everyone else will have their own experiences with these neighbors and you will know better next time to trust friends who have shown they are trustworthy first.

D: You new neighbors sound cuckoo. Don't try to get any of your stuff back. It's a lost cause, and I think you are more concerned about your favorable reputation, anyway. Consider talking to your other neighbors about what happened without getting into "he said/she said". Let them know that you and your husband are sad about what seems to be, friendships lost. As far as the "Spongers" go, short of moving, avoid at all costs! You owe them nothing, and they already have enough of your stuff anyway. I think once you explain to your other neighbors why you have shied away, I think they will understand, and your good standing will be returned. Add a comment