My family has many acquaintances and friends but a very few are let into our lives as “family.”  These few that are, become instant family and visa versa.
Lately, like any family, there is an increase in negative talk, attitude and drama from a close and trusted friend.  When asked about their attitude, they do acknowledge that it is stress related.  My concern is that the negative talk is becoming more the topic of conversation every time I see my friend.  This then has me wondering, is my friend going out and venting to others about our personal relationship as well.  When asked if they shared this frustration with our common friends, they say they have not and only share with us because of common trust – just need to vent, etc.
So – with all the recent drama, I am thinking that my negative friend is doing the same behind our backs – thus we’ll never get an honest answer.  These situations happen with families ALL the time, but when do you cut the ties with friends when they can’t let go of the drama and negativity?  When do you know NOT to trust?
I really don’t want to cut off this friendship to the bare bones, but how do I truly get the point across to start to reset boundaries until things stabilize for a close friend stuck in so much drama and not taking help or advice to move on?

Rose:  It appears there are two issues here; your needs and your friend’s needs, but the truth is it's one in the same and the ability for you both to express your needs.  It sounds like you would prefer less drama and negativity, and that trust and open communication are important to you.  Have you said that to her?  Your friend also seems stuck in her life because her venting just continues.  Remember, venting is just a sign of frustration and unmet needs.  Venting can be perfectly natural, and quite healthy in small doses or when it helps us analyze a situation.  Venting continuously about the same things or over everything is just complaining.
Writer Gary Zukov states "complaining is just wanting someone else to fix a situation for you."  Your friend is playing powerless in these situations.  Tell her "I noticed lately you don't seem happy.  If I just continue to listen to you vent, it only gives you temporary relief and it doesn't help you resolve the situation.  So, I'm not going to do that anymore.  You are quite capable of changing things in your life, but you need to find healthier solutions and learn to communicate what you want to those around you.  You deserve to get what you want, so express it.  In fact, if you ever have issues with me, I would much rather you talk to me directly than vent to others about me.  So would you be willing to do that with me?"  If she says yes, then ask her what is stopping her from doing it with others.  Many times we avoid honesty because we fear the result.  Other times it's just learned behavior, a habit in our lives.  So actually have a deeper conversation about what's going on with your friend.  Don't just put a band-aid on the situation, help her actually heal the wound.
Then, get back to your needs and tell her "I really value trust in relationships and open communication so I hope you will always be honest with me.  It's also extremely important for me to have positive conversations in my life and not so much drama." In other words, your role isn't to passively listen, especially when it goes against what you value.  You can help your friend create awareness in her life and more importantly show her how to express her needs in a positive and healthy way by modeling it yourself.

D:  This is a tricky situation, you want to be there for your friend, but you don’t want to be the victim of gossip.  However, even in blood families, one sometimes needs to “cut the ties”, even if for a short period of time.  This will allow you to step back, take a breather and re-evaluate the relationship, especially if you are feeling taken advantage of and are lacking the trust that used to be there. 
It sounds as if you have confronted your friend on his/her recent attitude, and you have opened up that line of conversation without receiving any reassurance.  So you ask, “When do you know NOT to trust?”  If you have any confirmation from others that your personal conversations are going public, then you know not to trust.  If you don’t have actual confirmation, use and trust your own instincts.  If you are feeling a level of mistrust, then there is probably some merit to what you are feeling. 
I suggest taking this step back.  It won’t give your friend opportunity to share your private conversations and without you always being available to take on the venting, your friend may approach you as to why you are not always available like before.  This can open up the dialogue again and you will hopefully feel some confidence that you can trust this might-as-well-be-family friend.
Whenever I talk about great friends, a Helen Steiner Rice poem always pops into mind.  This is just an excerpt, “When you ask God for a gift, Be thankful if he sends, Not diamonds, pearls or riches, But the love of real true friends”. Friends like this are important as family, so I hope that you and your friend’s relationship can mend.  But sometimes, people in our lives are transient.  They serve their purpose, and then move on whether separated by situation or by just drifting apart.  It is heartbreaking and there is nothing that we can do, but the alternative is to have an untrustworthy friend/family member.  Hang in there and good luck. Add a comment