RND: I thought this would be a timely question for you. Every year my husband and I have a Christmas tradition that I can do without. I put all the lights up outside - by myself - then come in the house and put all the lights on the Christmas tree - all by myself. My husband does set the tree up for me, but not without first throwing his annual throw-the-Christmas-tree-stand-out-in-the-front-yard childish fit while yelling outside for all to hear that, "Next year, I am not messing with this!", which means I would have to do that, too. But, luckily year after year, he does put the Christmas tree up. Our little family is hardly a Norman Rockwell painting waiting to happen, however, I don't want this stress. I would love help with the lights outside. I would love help with stringing the lights on the tree inside, but he can't be bothered. Our two kids are too young to be involved, so it is left up to him and me. I have tried to tell him that we could do all of this together, but he can't be bothered. He just wants to do a lot of throwing by throwing a fit, throwing the stand and throwing himself in front of the TV. Any suggestions to help me create a more tolerable Christmas tradition?

R: I always say, ask for what you want and don't hold onto the outcome. In this case, it almost seems silly because your husband obviously is communicating he isn't interested in helping with his actions, but it never hurts to request it. You could certainly tell him that when he throws the Christmas tree stand outside, how it makes you feel inside and request that he doesn't do it anymore. Ask him if there's a way he could possibly help out and still enjoy it. Let's assume he says no, how does this solve your problem? Is your goal to do something at Christmas together, or to just get the chores completed? Because if you're not enjoying it, how do you expect him to enjoy it. Your attitude toward it is important but you can certainly find other Christmas traditions to share with him. You can always hire someone to do it, even high school students for a small fee. Or ask someone who enjoys it to help you out. Life is short, if what you're doing doesn't work, get creative.

D: Yea, if you ask someone to help you with it (according to above), make sure he is not tall, dark and handsome, otherwise you will be likely to cause some more holiday temper tantrums! It sounds like you have a new family of your own and you would like to start some traditions while the kids are young. I think you need to tell him that he now has a family and he needs to be active in the family traditions. Plus with two people on the job, everything will get done faster - hopefully! He could help you with the lights and you could help him with the Christmas tree stand and with any luck there will be less frustration and a feeling of accomplishment. I think he needs to step up to the plate, but you need to explain to him why it is important. Happy decorating! Add a comment

Dear RND:

I am going through a divorce. I have been married for 24 years and my husband and I have 3 children, who are all in their teens. I have talked to many friends of mine, and the majority of them are in the same situation, however most of them are staying in their marriages and basically living separate lives. They are staying together because of the kids, the economy and other similar reasons. This seems to be a trend. I am looking for a few different opinions on this, and I wanted to see what your thoughts were. Do you think couples should stay together even though they are not living as a couple?

R: I would agree that it is definitely a trend, otherwise there wouldn't be so many "married" dating web sites. It is a personal choice and you need to asses your situation. For some, the idea of not living with their kids, losing assets plus going through a lengthy volatile divorce, is too emotionally painful to endure. So they choose to stay, even if only until the kids reach adulthood. If you and your husband can have a healthy honest discussion and agree that staying together as only friends can work, why not try it? In many cases though, couples don't discuss it at all. Instead they just distant themselves emotionally and physically and then there's an underlying anger and frustration that looms in the relationship. So you need to decide how you want to live. There's no right or wrong way to live, just what works for you. So some questions to ponder... How would living together only as friends feel? What would happen if you stayed married but met someone else? How important is living honestly? How important is intimacy? What are your top priorities? Which decision do you think you would regret the most later? Which decision would bring you the greatest happiness, now and 5 years from now. Imagine your daughter was in the same situation, what would you tell her to do?

I know women who are married, but unhappy and choose to stay. I also know plenty of women that are divorced and miserable. Remember what you decide is important but so is how you choose to live with that decision. So whatever you decide, accept it, embrace it and choose to be happy.

D: I really believe it is up to each couple to decide that for themselves. It may work for many of your friends, but may not work for you. I would say that there are definitely pros to both getting a divorce or staying together for the sake of the money issues or the children, as you mentioned. But there are also drawbacks to staying together for those same reasons. Divorce does seem to happen more than not these days, and perhaps it is because women have evolved and in turn, have become much more independent, so that need to stay with a man is not as great as it may have been in years past. However, economical times and child rearing are also very different, so that adds a new added layer that may not have been an issue years ago, and hence many couples choose to tolerate the indifferences for the benefit of their own personal interests. Lo and behold, I seem to be in more of agreement with Rose on this one. Bottom line, I would say the answer to your question whether couples should stay together even though they are married only on paper is up to their particular situation and personalities, but I hope that we each gave you something solid to think about. Add a comment