RND: My boyfriend, "Mike" and I have a great relationship. We have been dating about 8 months, and we have the best time together. However, there is one problem, and that is Mike's best friend, Brian. Brian is a nice guy, but he is always in our business. Recently, Mike and Brian went on a boy's trip to Vegas. On one of the nights, it was late and I received a text from Mike saying, " I just was with another girl. Sorry". I was devastated and I could not figure out why Mike would do this to me. I tried to text him back right away, but he wouldn't answer. I was crushed. Then the next morning Mike called me and I asked him all about it, and he said he didn't know what I was talking about, but at one point in the night, Brian took his phone. Brian thinks he is being funny and he has done some other things to "sabotage" our relationship. Mike tells me not to worry about it because that is always how Brian has been, but it is irritating. And he is always around. I was thinking of fixing him up with one of my single friends, but I don't want to make my problem their problem. How can I resolve this?

Rose: It sounds like Brian is emotionally immature and fears losing Mike. It's not personal; apparently this behavior seems ongoing and is accepted by Mike because he loves his friend. So pick your battles in this situation. Are you willing to draw the line and have him choose between his best friend or his girlfriend? It's a gamble. Or can you try and work through it? Brian isn't going to change but you can certainly try and talk to him about how his games hurt your feelings and assure him that you would never get in the way of their friendship. You can also appeal to Mike about needing more time alone. If nothing changes and Brian continues to play these games and Mike continues to enable him, you might have to reconsider this relationship if your needs aren't being met.

D: You did not mention your ages, but I do hope that Brian is not older than 6th grade. Seriously, Brian needs a life of his own, but you have no control over that. I would say talk to Mike, but you have already let him know that Brian's behavior irritates you, and it sounds like he brushed it off. This does not leave you many options. Whoa - I think I am going to agree with Rose on a few points here! Say it isn't so! You have options, but they may not be what you want. Brian is not going to go away, so you can talk to him about how you feel. You can start to plan activities that are for couples only, which won't include Brian. You can just put up with it and maybe you will become desensitized to Brian's behavior, or you can give Mike an ultimatum - you or Brian, but then you must be prepared to stick with the decision. The positive thing here, is that you have control over the decision. Just focus on what is most important to you. Add a comment

RND:
I have a question for you: What should I do about my boyfriend's six-year-old son? The kid is out of control, and it is due to the parenting style of both the mother and father. They don't discipline the child. The Mom works too much and does not seem to care much, and my boyfriend just doesn't discipline. He thinks he is his son's buddy! I, too, have a six-year-old, and I would never let my child away with half the stuff that they let their son away with! What should I do? I love my boyfriend, but his kid is a brat! I am getting to the point that I almost don't want to be around my boyfriend if his son is around.

Rose: Children crave structure and attention. When they don't receive it, they act out. This is more about the parents than the kid and they are raising a child that will struggle because of it. Best way to raise children; one hand with unconditional love and the other with discipline. Instead of judging the child or the situation, try being curious. You might not understand what either parent is going through. Maybe it appears she doesn't care but she's a single mom struggling financially and too exhausted to parent. Maybe your boyfriend feels guilty about the divorce and how the mother is absent and so spoils him out of guilt. Maybe your boyfriend never was disciplined himself. I don't know and it seems that you don't either. So, you have several choices depending on your commitment to this relationship. You could avoid spending time with his son all together, break up with him, or you can try and get involved and help shape this boy's future. This is the son of your boyfriend and he's only 6 so this is not going away. If you want to help, start by discussing it with your boyfriend in a curious way. Ask him what his beliefs are about raising children in general. Ask him if he has any fears about raising his son. Tell him you see him struggling with him and you would like to help. You can then try and be there for his son. Ask the son what he likes to do best and offer to spend quality time with him alone. You certainly have the power to make a difference in all of their lives if you truly want to help and not judge. It won't be easy but it can be very rewarding.

D: You both have children. You both have very different parenting styles. It sounds like you understand that children need boundaries. Even though they may fight them, they want these boundaries. It does not sound like your boyfriend realizes this. However, let me ask you this...Would you be open and welcome to your boyfriend's advice on how you should raise and discipline your child? Many people are open to advice, but when it comes to raising their children, they are not always welcome to advice especially if it is unsolicited. So, I would be careful there if you don't want to rock your relationship. However, if your relationship is going down a path of a possible marriage, then you should take care of this now. When you are married, having two discipline styles for each child will be too confusing to everyone and will ultimately cause chaos. As far as his child goes, what happens if you discipline his son? Is he welcome to that? If not, you will have even bigger issues once you take the next step in this relationship. I focus more on what your vision is of this relationship, because if you are just casually dating, bite your tongue. If you are looking for this to be a long-term, forever-after relationship, and both kids will be living with you, this will make for a long life, unhappy parents, unhappy children, unhappy family. Even if you and your boyfriend come to terms on how you want to discipline your children, as soon as the boy goes back to his mom's house, all your hard work could go down the drain, and you can't ground the mom! I would say that you really need to think about this relationship first. Where is it going? If you still decide to making this a long-term relationship, I would suggest a frank talk with your boyfriend about how you are going to discipline both children together: How he will discipline your child and how you will discipline his. If you and your boyfriend parent together, then life will be much happier in your home. If this is not that serious of a relationship, like I said, then just bite your tongue, but maybe give his son a good swift...oh never mind, that wouldn't be nice! Add a comment