Well, I thought as I read this, it's about time.
But then I realized it was satire, which tells me just how far off the rails this nation is that I actually thought it was real at first. Because it could have been. So, here, have a laugh and realize that this isn't exactly out of the realm of possibility any more now than when it was sent to me.
WASHINGTON, D.C. - Congress is considering sweeping legislation which will
provide new benefits for many Americans. The Americans With No Abilities Act
(AWNAA) is being hailed as a major legislative goal by advocates of the
millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive
necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
California Senator Barbara Boxer. "We can no longer stand by and allow
People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation,
employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of
workers, simply because they have some idea of what they are doing."
In a Capitol Hill press conference, House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi and
Senate Majority Harry Reid pointed to the success of the U.S. Postal
Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without
regard to performance. Approximately 74 percent of postal employees lack any
job skills, making this agency the single largest U.S. employer of Persons
of Inability.
Private-sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the
Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home
improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). At the state government level, the
Department of Motor Vehicles also has a great record of hiring Persons of
Inability (63%).
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man"
positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real
responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance.
Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given so as to
guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees.
The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations that promote
a significant number of Persons of Inability into middle-management
positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium-sized businesses that
agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNA Act contains tough new measures to make it more difficult
to discriminate against the Nonabled--banning, for example, discriminatory
interview questions such as "Do you have any skills or experience which
relate to this job?"
"As a Non-abled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have
something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a
lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, Michigan, due to her lack of any
discernible job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented
citizens will finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
Said Senator Harry Reid, "As a Senator With No Abilities, I believe the
same privileges that elected officials enjoy ought to be extended to every
American with no abilities. It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and
every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of
space to take up in this great nation."
